Until I became a mother myself, I never really thought about how emotionally charged and political Mother’s Day can be. It seems simple enough – a day to show some special appreciation for the moms in our lives for all that they do. How complicated could it be? Write a heartfelt message in a card, deliver some flowers, perhaps make a fancy breakfast or take Mom out to brunch. Simple, right? Not so fast.
When we become mothers and fathers, the question of who Mother’s Day is for can be the cause of some serious tension. What happens when the kids are all grown up? Should adult children still prioritize their mothers and grandmothers? What happens when you have children of your own? Moms and their in-laws sometimes feel as if they are vying for recognition, which can result in unwanted family drama on a day that’s meant to be fun. What about your sister or cousin or dear friend who has recently become a new mom? Do you need to get flowers for EVERYONE?
The chore of gift-giving often falls on women in the typical nuclear family dynamic. It is part of what is considered “the mental load,” a term coined by French artist Emma. That’s the silent to-do list that is constantly running through moms’ minds. Timmy’s bake sale on Wednesday, Sophie’s ballet classes on Tuesday were canceled and so the babysitter needs to be notified that she needs to grab Sophie off the bus instead of at school, the toilet paper is running low, and the gas bill is due on the 2nd…the list is constant, never-ending, and can drive moms to distraction.
Mother’s Day can turn into just another burden, requiring trips to the mall, budgeting for gifts, finding everyone’s addresses, and even hustling the kids together and out of the door to go to mother-in-law’s for brunch. That is not to say that any of those events is bad in and of themselves – but it is important for partners, adult children, and adult siblings to communicate with one another. Clarify your expectations of how the day will go. Ask your partner, mom, or other important mom in your life what they want out of the day. You might be surprised by the response. Some moms just want a break – a night in a hotel room alone, with room service and uninterrupted sleep. Some moms only want a little recognition – a sincerely written card. Some moms want to spend the day together with the extended family. Every mom is an individual, and every mom deserves to feel celebrated.
